Fear and Trembling
by boomendeh
Summary: Emily is lost and being forced out of her comfort zone.  She finds a spark that might make all the difference.
1. Chapter 1

**So, this is my new story...it starts slowly, but I plan on it lasting for a while. Please read and review. Please. **

**I dont own skins, clearly.**

I breathed deeply, filling my lungs with smoke and holding it for a moment before slowly releasing it into the air around me. I could already feel the effects. I would have to thank Ryan for his excellent bud. I continued to watch the process in the mirror a few times. Light. Puff. Inhale. Release. It was one of those boring repetitive actions (recently, a daily occurrence), that always amazed me.

Watching the smoke from a spliff was one of my favorite things. The way the smoke hung in the air for a while, lingering lazily. The way my reflection takes on a slightly different tone in my mind. When I'm high, I notice things that I simply overlook normally. I noticed how really and truly red my hair is, especially in the bright lights of the bathroom. I noticed how pale I am, something that I used to be bothered by, but now I've grown accustomed to it; even embraced it. I wondered, not for the first time, if this was the face I wear in front of other people, or if they see something different. If I held myself differently knowing others could be watching.

I took another deep puff, feeling my mind expanding, slightly blurring the lines of reality. I knew probably smoked too much nowadays. It had been a while since a day had passed in which I had not smoked. But at this point, I couldn't think of a reason not to. Or I didn't want to. I shrugged my shoulders to myself in the mirror.

"Emily! Its almost ready!"

As my mothers voice reached my ears, I closed my eyes, releasing a deep sigh. _Just get through dinner and you can go home. Just dinner_. I felt a slight tinge of guilt at the thought. I hadn't seen my family in a month, despite the fact that I only lived twenty minutes away and wasn't particularly busy. I hadn't even seen Katie more than once a week in god knows how long, and she lived five minutes away. And here I am, after an hour, counting down the seconds until I can leave. But I just didn't feel like it. I knew my mother genuinely cared about me, but most of the time when she asked me to come over, she made it sound like I should feel obligated. But it was even worse to hear my dad tell me how much he missed me and that he wished he saw me more. I could see his love through his eyes. That fierceness. So very Fitch. I used to have that. It killed me that I just wanted to go home to my apartment, by myself, listen to some music, have a beer, read and go to sleep. And I didn't even know why.

I used a few eye drops, opened the small window on the wall, airing out the bathroom, before opening the door and heading down stairs.

"Emily, really, if you need some money for some new jeans, I can take you shopping next weekend." I dodged my mothers hands, reaching to examine the rip in the leg of my jeans, just like when I was sixteen, before replying.

"Mum, I don't need new jeans, they are fine." I knew she was just trying to find a way to be involved, but it irked me to no end. I walked quickly into the kitchen, past her, before she could respond. I mentally congratulated myself for taking a spliff break from my mother. I heard her let out an exasperated and tired sigh, before following me into the kitchen.

I sat in my usual spot next to James, unable to control my face as it wrinkled in disgust at the amount of cologne my brother covered himself with. Before I can even form words, I hear my sisters voice as she walks in from the living room to the table.

"Jesus. Ugh, take a shower and try not pouring the ENTIRE bottle on yourself next time."

"Shut up, bitch! This stuff is a fanny magnet." On instinct, I smack the back of his head.

"Ow! Mum!"

"Don't use that foul language, James," my mother says it distractedly. She can only see Katie from the kitchen and completely missed my act of violence. For a moment, it,t feels just like it used to when we were kids.

That is until I meet Katie's eyes. For a second, she smiles and it is like it used to be; but then her eyes look at me a little sadly, and regain the look that Katie has reserved for me lately. Silent anger mixed with hurt and annoyance.

I guess I cant really blame her. I'm not the same as I used to be. I have isolated myself from most of the people close to me in the past year. Instead, I spend most of my time alone or with my work friends. They don't know much about me, other than the basics. They have never met my family. Have never seen my apartment. Half of them don't even have my phone number. We usually hang out after work. It seems easier that way. But I know its not how it should be. Its just how it is. Maybe its how it will always be.

As my father joins the table, we begin to eat the mediocre health food in front of us. I hear my sister's fork scraping the plate, as she pushes her food around, practicing the art of making it looke like she ate more than she did. (We all learned it at a young age, with my mother's cooking). I glance up at Katie and take in her appearance. She looks tired but, strangely, happier than I last saw her. Art school is doing wonders for her.

It had shocked me, initially, to find out that Katie wanted to study art. Katie was never a particularly deep person. She didn't usually like getting her hands dirty, and, when we were younger, she was mostly interested in shagging as many guys as possible and going clubbing every night.. Extracurricular activities like art and music did not interest her in the least. She could barely focus on academics. But, surprisingly enough, she has found her place.

.

Katie had found out that she couldn't have children when we were eighteen and it hit her hard. Harder than I could have even anticipated, and I knew her better than anyone. For about a week, she went totally off the rails. I had to go out with her every night, after I found her passed out, without her shirt, on the front porch one morning. I made sure she was safe and that our parents didn't notice anything was off, but Katie was in so much pain, it was difficult to watch. To be around. I didn't know what to say. I was so shut off from my mind at that point, I couldn't comprehend dealing with something like that. Suddenly, one morning, she woke up, went and bought new clothes, and got the first job she could find. It was at a tailor shop where she helped clean up fabric and did odd jobs around the store. She still got plastered almost every night, but at least she was doing something. I saw it as a positive step.

Then, one day, she came home and told me she wanted to go to art school. She said she had been staying late at the shop, messing around with fabrics and old mannequins, anything lying around really, and she had begun to make things. She started spending huge chunks of time on these projects. I was skeptical, but she had her fierceness back. She looked like Katie Fucking Fitch again, for a moments at a time. Her eyes had that fire in them, even more than before. I remember it so clearly when she told me that she knew she wanted to go to art school. She was so sure. It was the first time I was ever really jealous of my sister.

Even now, looking over her leopard print flats and pearl earrings, I couldn't help smirk as I compared her to what a stereotypical art student looked like. She had toned down her sluttier fashion choices during the past year, though not entirely. But she was still so very Katie Fitch. But she always was the shocking one. The one that people really took notice of. She was always meant to do great things. And now she was happy. For a moment, despite her bitterness towards me, I felt my heart swell at that fact.

We ate in relative silence for a few minutes before I heard my mother clear her throat. As I looked up, I saw that she was preparing to speak, and from the look on her face, it was not good news. I looked around at the others, seeing my own questions reflected in the eyes of my siblings, while my father kept his eyes glued to his plate.

"Well, I just wanted to let you all know...um...as you know, over the past few years, we have had a slight change in situation." She paused to glare across the table at her husband, who kept his eyes on his plate, shifting uncomfortably under his wife's stare. "We are going to be relocating. Your father has found a job in Scotland that will help us out immensely."

I was taken aback for a moment at the idea of my parents moving away, and the house where I grew up, being lived in by someone else. But I really couldn't say I was that shocked by the news. After the initial surprise had worn off, I didn't feel much about it at all. I didn't really feel very strongly about many things these days. This wasn't an exception. Even though my mother's wedding planning business was still hanging in there, even if just barely, I knew that my parent's were still not making as much as they needed. I knew that this was something that they had considered for a while.

Despite my own calm reaction, I could see the emotion rising on James' and Katie's faces. James simply stood up and walked out of the room. I knew it would be hardest on him. He would be in his final year at college and would have to leave all of his friends and his life behind.

I knew my mother knew this too, which is probably why she let him walk out without a word and continued on as if nothing had happened. "I know both of you have your own flats, but half of your things are still here." I hadn't thought of that, but I knew it was true. My apartment was so small that I left half of my things here when I moved out, but I was close enough that I could come by when my parents weren't at home to get things. Eventually, I had everything i really needed. I left some seasonal clothes, things from my childhood, and things I simply didnt have room for in my current space. Katie did something similar, but she lived further away and had far more things she needed everyday, particularly clothes. Far more of her things were still here.

"Well, we have a little time to do that right, mum? You aren't shoving off right now, are you?" Katie was clearly a little miffed and annoyed at this situation.

"No, Katie." She paused. "Not this second, but in four days."

"What?" This time, I was shocked. Not at the thought of my parent's moving. I had thought this was coming for a while. I knew that my dad knew people in Scotland and that had been looking at places there. But four days? "Why so soon? What about James? That doesn't make any sense?"

"Wait, has someone already bought the house?" Katie voiced a a thought I hadn't even had time to get to yet. It was silent for a moment.

"Yes." My mother suddenly looked a bit...what was it? It seemed like a mix between annoyed, angry, and uncomfortable...? "She is actually a daughter of a friend of your father's. She is in a bit of a bind." My mother grimaced for a moment. I recognized it as her polite-but-actually-very-pissed-off face. "She HAS to have the house by a certain day. She's actually going to help us move out a little...Its very kind of her." Her face did not look like she thought it was kind.

My father spoke up for the first time. "She's been staying at a hostel for a month love. The poor girl is out of money. And my job starts next week anyway." He directed the last comment towards me and Katie. " James is done with school for the year and they need me there as soon as possible. This is just how it worked out girls." His eyes seemed sad as he looked at each of us, and I felt the urge to go and hug him.

But I didn't.

The conversation seemed to stop suddenly. No one spoke for the rest of the meal, everyone retreating into their own thoughts.

As soon as I walked through the front door of my apartment, I bee-lined to the stereo, turned on some music, and grabbed a beer from the fridge. As I settled into the small sofa, nestled in the corner of my tiny apartment, and breathed for a moment, my mind began churning. The spliff had worn off from earlier, all my thoughts were real and clear and jumbled. I felt like I was losing something, but I didn't know what it was. I couldn't place what it was and it was making it worse. Why was it so much worse to hear that they were leaving in four days than when I heard they were moving to a different country in the first place.

_Well, clearly, less adjustment time._

That was true. The suddenness of the move was a definite factor. I need time to adjust. I need time to process.

_And you'll miss them._

I know I don't see my parents very often, but they are still my parents. I'll miss them. I'll miss my little shit of a brother. And at least I'll still have Katie here. But I knew this would happen. I had an idea. Its not as if it is unexpected.

_But you had no control over this situation._

That was a big thing, I knew. I know that the reason I have been isolating myself was because I understood people. And as much as you can understand people, the most important thing about them is that they are unpredictable. I know most people saw me as a calm and relaxed person. At work, I could handle crazy situations fairly well. But I hated not being in control. As long as I stayed emotionally uninvolved, I remained in control. Leave it to my family, people I will always be involved with, to throw a wrench in that.

_There goes your comfort zone._

That was it. I knew that was it from the beginning. I am an addict. My addiction is my comfort zone. In the massive amounts of psychological theory I absorbed in uni, I decided that, if someone were to do a psych evaluation of some kind on me, I'm certain of two things. One, I have a tendency to be depressed. Weather I have a disorder, I don't know. But its there. Two, I'm terrified of leaving my comfort zone. Most people are, I suppose. But it paralyzes me. It's the reason I moved back to town so soon after graduation. I didn't know what I wanted to do and I was alone. My friends had become my safety net at University; my support system; my family. But they left to live out their own dreams. To follow their passion. I didn't know my passion, so I didn't go off into the unknown. I stopped and stayed. Stuck. I had grown with them so much and they were gone. And so I retreated to the only other safety net I knew. The place where I grew up. Only I wasn't the same person and it felt like going backwards. But I was here and I am too scared and unsure to go forward.

And now the rug is being pulled from under my feet. Again.

I became, for the first time, legitimately scared of my fate. I was on the edge of something. I probably should have been scared before, but now it was painfully obvious. If I continue the way I'm going, I'll be stuck. I'll continue to look forward to getting high as the highlight of my day, working a job that I don't love, surrounded by people that I hide myself from, wasting all this potential that I know I have, because I'm scared and unsure and lost.

This one thing. This thing that was not entirely unexpected. This small, stupid thing that would not affect my everyday life very much, if at all.

This could break me. And it terrifies me that I have become that weak. That this is all it will take.


	2. Chapter 2

**So this isn't the best, I realize, but I felt that it had been too long. Hopefully, it has some merits. Mistakes are all my own. All apologies. Enjoy.**

**I do not own skins.**

As my eyes open, I feel the sleep leaving me. Part of me wants to close my eyes again and stay here, wrapped under these sheets, warm and content. That same part of me is usually there in the mornings. It hates getting out of bed, always trying to convince me that I might as well just stay there; that nothing I 'have' to do is that vital anyway.

But it is. Today I have to start moving everything I own out of my parents house. The thought of moving things around all day, spending all day with my mother, not to mention having to hang around a complete stranger...it all seems very unappealing. I walk to the kitchen to turn on the coffee and flip on the stereo as I walk by it. My body is still resisting movement, and I feel like I am really having to force myself to keep going. With the music on and the coffee going, I am slowly becoming slightly more aware of my surroundings. I breathe deeply, stretching my arms fully over my head, feeling my muscles warm slightly.

Twenty minutes later, I am walking out the door, coffee in hand and headphones in place. After a bus ride and a walk, I am in front of my parents' house. I see my father already moving things out of the garage. As he sees me, he smiles and I cant help but return the favor.

"Hello, love."

"Hey dad. Already working on the garage?"

"Well, I tried to help inside, but your mother works best on her own with these kind of things..." He smirked.

"She kicked you out didnt she?" I smiled. My mother was very particular and organized with these sorts of things. My father was more of the "throw-everything-in-a-box" school of thought. Mostly, when he tried to help clean, organize, or even help with dinner, she got frustrated with him and made him leave the room. If she was in that mode, I would rather not go in the house just yet. _Maybe I'll just help out here for a while._

As I walked over to help, I looked down and saw a familiar picture in a box that had been set on the ground. It was a picture from when I graduated from university. I was smiling widely, in my cap and gown, and my family were all standing around me, all smiling just as widely. I remember being happy and hopeful. I had plans. Well, I had plans to make plans, at least.

My father wrapped me in a hug suddenly, while I was distracted. "I get to see you two days in a row. Such a rarity." I felt the familiar annoyance and guilt in the pit of my stomach, but I relaxed into the hug regardless, and the annoyance began to ebb away. Before I knew it, I hugged him back. I knew my father had been in an emotional slump for the last few years, after he lost his gym and couldn't find work. I knew it was hard for him. Me and dad had always been closer than me and my mum. Or even Katie and my mum. Because we dealt with things in similar ways. When sadder emotions were reached, we immersed ourselves in it. It covered us and took us over. Except he threw himself into the love of those that surrounded him. And he always kept going. He kept trying. (And, of course, constantly worked out, which didnt hurt). Those things are his comfort and what revive him over and over again. I envied him for that. Something always kept me from being able to do that. I retreated into myself. And stopped making decisions; stopped moving. When I was younger, I idolized my father because he was my father. He loved me. He took care of all of us. He was my hero. As an adult, I think that he is amazing because of his ability to do what I cannot. I was struck with how much I would miss him. With how much I regretted being so selfish with my time in the past year, when he was so close. Now he was going to be so far away.

As we started moving things out of the garage and going through it, it became clear that there really wasnt much to do out here. Soon we would not be able to avoid going inside, but for now we packed things up in comfortable silence.

"Um...hello? Rob?" I gasped slightly, but luckily my body did not betray how startled I was. I turned to see a girl standing just outside of the garage.

The weather was a little gloomy; very gray, and there in front of me stood a bright shiny beacon of color.

She was my age, or near it. Completely gorgeous. Like, really, really beautiful. Her hair was bright blonde, which was complimented nicely by her bright yellow-black plaid shirt and a blue necklace around her neck. She was slightly taller than me, slender, and had something about her...maybe it's the way she stands, that has a quiet confidence to it. And her eyes. Blue. Strikingly blue. Like ice...but warm. It was quite baffling. Suddenly I realized that my father was no longer standing next to me, but already outside of the garage, greeting the stranger, and I missed it completely, as if I lost time for a moment. When he wrapped her in a hug, he seemed to surprise her, and as he released her, there was a confused look on her face. I couldnt help but chuckle lightly. My father could be boistrously affectionate..

"Emily, this is Naomi. Naomi, this is my daughter Emily." He had a genuine smile on his face, and seemed oblivious to her discomfort at being hugged by someone she had only met probably once or twice in her life. Her face was still red, but she sent me a shy smile that I couldnt help but return. My dad had told me a little about her the night before at dinner. Her mum knew my dad. They were really great friends in college, and kept in touch. Now was going to be working at a university near by. Thats as much as I had learned about her, other than the fact that my mum seemed to dislike both her and her mother, despite the fact that she had never met them.

"Hi." She waved one of her hands lightly at me. I didnt know what to say, so I simply nodded in her direction, still smiling. _Was that rude? Now its quiet and awkward. Shit. You could have just said hi, like a normal person._

"Well, I guess I can show you inside. Your mum probably needs more help than I do out here by now."

Avoiding looking at Naomi, I smiled lightly and walked quickly towards the house, leaving them behind me, chatting. Naomi seemed to relax a little in the pleasantries they were exchanging. My dad was always easy to get along with...it was my mum that I felt Naomi might not enjoy so much.

* * *

><p>It had not been as bad as I expected. Of course, mum was smiling, polite, condescending, and passive-aggressive to everyone because she was stressed. But my father had actually made her laugh a few times. Everyone else was surprisingly upbeat and, even more surprisingly, efficient. Mum was in the kitchen and dad and Naomi worked on the living room. Katie and I had been working on our room for almost two hours and had all of our clothes packed up already. We both still had tons of stuff to go through, but we had made some headway.<p>

"Here, this is yours." Katie tossed a scarf on the bed. I looked at it. I immediately laughed.

"Katie, do you remember this scarf?" I chuckled.

She looked at it and shrugged. Then she stopped and the dawn of realization struck her face. "This was the scarf you dropped that night?"

I nodded my head, and laughed again at the memory.

We were still in college, out at a club one night. I had dropped my scarf outside and this guy had picked it up and handed it back to me with a smile. I smiled back, said thank you and went on with my night. I dropped it again later and the same guy picked it up. But he waited until later to give it back, except he thought my sister was me and gave it to her instead, managing to ask her out in the process. When she figured out what had happened, she felt terrible, thinking that I had wanted him. She was so apologetic and wanted to make it up to me, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I really didn't care. She was overly nice to me for weeks and, because I didn't want to have a conversation with her about why I had no interest in this gorgeous guy, I went along with it. Then we had this huge argument about something stupid, and it came up. I ended up telling her that I didn't care about that stupid guy because I was gay.

She walked out of the room and wouldn't talk to me for a week. Then one day she walked up to me, said "You're still Emily," as if she was letting me know something that I wasn't already aware of, handed me the scarf that I had dropped that night, and proceeded to tell me about the guy from the club.

"I can't believe that guy couldn't see the difference." Katie said. "I should have seen it as a sign. He was a terrible shag." We laughed.

It was the first time we had laughed together in a while. As it slowly died down, I saw her give me a sad look, before her eyes became a stony again, though her smile was still on her face. "We used to have a lot of fun." It sounded hurt and angry at the same time.

I knew it cut her; how little I had tried to hang out with her over the past year, but I didn't have an excuse. I was about to try to actually talk to her about it, when I heard my mothers voice downstairs.

"Emily! Katie! Lunch!"

Katie, turned and was gone down the stairs and I was stuck standing in the middle of my childhood bedroom, staring towards the door where my soon-to-be-estranged sister had fled from me. I thought for a second about stopping her, making her listen to my explanations and apology for being a shit sister, but I couldn't. The thought of being yelled at right now, by the person who could make me feel most like crap, did not sound appealing at all. I finally went to my bag to grab my emergency spliff. I went to the bathroom. I took a huge drag and exhaled slowly. I was about to take one more, before heading downstairs, when I was jolted by a knock at the door. I spun around so quickly I slammed my toe into the cabinet. More precisely, the nail that stuck out of the cabinet.

"FUCK! SHIT! FUCKITY FUCK!"

"Um...E-Emily? Are you okay?" It was Naomi

"FFFFFFFFFFFFF..." The blinding pain in my toe was not going away as quickly as it usually did and I looked down. I had left my shoes in my room, so the gash on the side of my foot was clearly visible.

"Emily...?" Why did I have to be so fucking loud.

"Yeah...sorry, I'm okay. Just stubbed my tow a little. I'll be right out."

I breathed deeply. The spliff was kicking in a little, and it distracted me a little from my pain. I opened the door a few minutes later to find that Naomi was still there. She looked a little curious and worried. "Is your toe okay? It sounded...woah! You're bleeding Are you sure you're okay?" She had looked down and immediately jumped forward

I was limping slightly. I had planned to go to my room and get a cloth and wash off the blood I knew it wasnt as bad as it looked. I did not expect her to still be standing outside the door. I thought I had allowed sufficient time for her to go to the other bathroom in the house.

"I'm just going to wash it off and it will be fine. I'll be down in a minute."

She looked at me skeptically as I held back the tears that always threatened to fall the second someone decided to observe my pain. She walked forward, rolling her eyes, grabbed my arm, and guided me back to sit on the edge of the tub. I was so surprised, I didn't fight it. She was suddenly kneeling in front of me, looking closely at my toe. I was so confused. The pain was muddling my mind and all I could do was stare at her. Usually people got the hint and left me alone. But Naomi didnt seem to be getting it. As she focused on it and some how found bandages before I knew what was happening, I really looked at her. She was very focused. Her eyes had this intensity in them. Suddenly she looked up at me. As our eyes me, somewhere in the back of my mind I was telling myself to look away. I wanted to escape; to hide; I felt like she was seeing something that I didnt want her to see. She looked curious. And surprisingly enough, it wasn't me who broke it. It was her who looked away, as a gorgeous pink tinge covered her cheeks. I couldnt even smirk at it. Something shifted in me.

Suddenly, she was across the room, washing her hands, and I realized that my toes was cleaned and wrapped neatly in a bandage.

She looked over her shoulder at me. "I'll see you down there." And she was gone.

I looked at the space that she had been occupying seconds before and I barely felt high anymore. It was strange. Of course there was that feeling bubbling in my stomach that I hadnt felt in a long time. That obvious feeling when someone really rocked something inside of me. This was much stronger than it had been before, but I recognized it.

But there was something else. It was that intensity that was there in Naomi. In her eyes. It sparked something in me. She had a fire that I envied; that I desired; that I craved.

I stood up and left the room. It was too much to process, so I tried not to. I stored it away and walked downstairs.

Everyone was sitting around the table. My father was chatting happily to Naomi. My mother sat stony faced at the other end of the table and Katie looked bemused at my father's animated story telling.

"What's wrong with you?" Katie looked curious. I realized I was limping.

"Eh, I just stubbed my toe..."

"On a nail..." Naomi interjected. I sent a glare her way.

"Jesus Ems. Again? You look a little pale." I tried to deny it, but the pain was actually worse than normal. The nail had gone deeper this time and my whole foot was throbbing. "Ems, you can have one of my pills if you want."

Shit. "No thanks Kay, I'm good". _Don't go look for them. Don't go look for them._

"Ems just take one. You look weird. Like you might pass out." I heard my mother scold Katie silently for her cursing under her breath as she got up from the table and walked up stairs.

"Wait Katie." I didn't want her to look for those pills. I tried to stop her without being obvious. I followed her up the stairs, hobbling more than I realized before, but I was more hurt than I thought. I had the fleeting thought that I might need stitches.

Katie had surgery about a month ago to remove some cysts. The doctor gave her some heavy duty pain meds. I was lost. I was stupid. It was like I was out of my mind. I was trying to escape from myself. I took them regularly. They made her sick and itch all over. So she only took them when she was in a lot of pain. Sometimes when I thought about it; about how I stole my sisters pain medicine, that she needed, just to feel good for one night, I felt sick with myself. But I couldn't let her find out. I always stayed so calm. I was always kept all of this shit to myself. I couldn't let Katie find out. I couldn't let Katie see that. I couldn't let her see that part of me. That dark, dangerous, immature, childish part of me.

I saw her in her standing in our room looking at the bottle on the counter. She looked confused. There were maybe two pills left. There were about twenty the last time she saw them. She almost said something. But she stopped. Realization dawned on her and she snapped her head to face me.

I tried to feign ignorance, but Katie could always see right through me.

She didn't raise her voice right away. It made it worse. "I was in bed for two weeks. You only came to see me once when I was recovering." My stomach was starting to hurt. "But you stayed here. And stole the one thing that made it better. To what? Get high?"

I didn't know what to say. She was right. I couldn't bare to see her like she was when she was recovering and sad and hurting. She was Katie. She was a force to be reckoned with. But all of the sudden, she was still. Weak. Broken. I regretted it all the time; not seeing her. But there was nothing I could say now. I stood still and let her voice build in intensity, almost burning me. "You are an idiot. You are so wrapped up in your own stupid shit, getting high off of MY pain pills." She started walking towards me slowly, as she began yelling. I knew it wasn't about the pills. This was just the last straw. "You ignore your family. You throw away your future to get stoned out of your mind. This could kill you. This could really hurt you Em." She looked sad for a moment, but the anger was burning in her eyes. I was ready for her to brandish the final blow. I almost wanted it. Maybe if she laid out everything that was wrong with me, I could figure it out. Fix it. Do something. Anything.

"I'm done." I lost my breath for a moment. It hurt more than anything she could have said..

"What?" My voice was much weaker than I expected.

"I don't care!" She screamed suddenly. It scared me. I went with my instinct and screamed back.

"Like you have always been such a loving sister. '_Oh Emsy, just couldn't you cover for me while I fuck every guy in Bristol? Oh Emsy, cant you just hold my hair back every weekend while I throw up everything I have ever eaten? Emsy, cant you just do this one paper for me, you're just so smart. Oh Emsy, cant you just live in my fucking shadow while I shit all over you every chance I get?' _Don't pretend to be so saintly Katie. Don't act like you are so perfect and wonderful."

She almost looked guilty for a second, before she reached back and slapped me. It stung. Tears broke from my eyes and suddenly she was gone. I turned to the door to see her shove Naomi out of her way as she ran away.

_Shit. Naomi._

Tears swelled in my eyes and I felt myself fall. I had never stood up like that to Katie. But at the same time, I had never had anyone call me on everything like Katie had just done. Tears were flowing and I felt warm hands on my back. I was cracking. Falling to pieces. The only thing I could feel were those hands on my back.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a short chapter, but the next part is still in the works.**

**I forgot to say this last time, but thank you so much for everyone who reviewed. It means alot, especially when anything that comes from my mind connects with anything in someone else. It really kept me writing this. So really, really thank you. Please keep reviewing!**

**Also, sorry again, for my American attempt at making British characters. **

**I do not own skins.**

The sobs had stopped but the tears kept coming. I sat in silence as they continued to fall, my mind was racing. Katie was never supposed to find out about the pills. Ever. I don't really know what I expected. She never touches them anymore. I assumed she would forget about them, but I was stupid to think she wouldn't notice. I wish I could explain; wish she would listen. We used to do everything together. She knows me the way that only she ever can or ever will. And now she wants nothing to do with me. I might have lost my sister because I cant get my shit together.

"Um...are you...?"

"Huh?" Naomi. I forgot that she was here.

"Are you alright? I know you're foot probably hurts and..."

"You know its not my foot..." I finally braved a look at Naomi, who was inexplicably still here. She looked at the ground as soon as my eyes found her face. It seemed like she was debating something. Suddenly her eyes met mine.

"When I was eighteen, I basically ruined my mum's life. I wrecked her car and cost her...well, I..." She hesitated, and squirmed a little uncomfortably. "I cost her a lot. And I'm not just talking about money." She looked a little embarrassed but she held my gaze. I wasn't sure what to say. Part of me wanted to yell at her. _Why was she even here? Why did she come upstairs in the first place? Who did she think she was trying to help me, or whatever she was doing_...but I couldn't seem to find the rage I wanted.

"Look...I'm really sorry you had to see all this, but I'm just tired and its not really what it seems, it just..."

"I know...I...I know I don't know you, really. And...I'm probably way out of line here...but I just wanted to...I don't know...everyone does things sometimes. Things to deal. Things that they wouldn't normally do. It doesn't mean..." She seemed flustered. "People get lost and do crazy things to find their way..."

We sat in silence for a moment. What Naomi said had touched something. It was one of those times that someone says something, and it seems like they took it right out of your head. Out of your heart...something that you didn't even know you thought. But it fit. I always convince myself that I'm so alone, but its not as if I'm the only one who has ever been here. Its not as if no one has felt what I feel. People have been here. And people got through it. Usually, that thought would probably make me feel as if I was nothing special. That clearly I was just too weak to deal. But instead, it made me feel like there was hope.

But Naomi...I couldn't picture it. I had only known Naomi for a few hours, but she seemed so together. So certain of what she wanted. Something about her exuded confidence. Trying to grasp the idea of this girl in front of me doing something crazy like that, under any circumstances, was strange. I thought about it as my tears slowed.

"I cant picture it..." my heart lifted slightly as I saw a small smile grace her lips.

"Yeah, well...I was very angry. Very alone. Sort of directionless. I took it out on the one person I loved." There was sadness in her eyes, but she still had that small grin in place. "And she took it all. That's how you know...about some people." I wanted her to elaborate on her story, but I didn't ask.

"I wish I could say the same" I was sure I would start crying again, thinking of Katie storming out.

"She'll come around."

"You don't know that. You don't know Katie."

"Yeah, but...I mean...its clear you're...well, that you're hurting. Or going through something..."

"I'm fine." The lie was second nature.

"Right...So this is all just...normal?"

I felt like I should be angry at this stranger assuming things, and a small part of me was. But it wasn't untrue.

I blinked and stared at the ground. "Define normal." I glanced up at her and surprised myself with a smirk on my own face.

She grinned. "Touche. I just mean...since I stepped into this house this morning, I knew...well...you guys are kind of...intense. Every Fitch I have met is very...over-powering." My mind was screaming at me for feeling a fleeting happiness as she smiled, when I was so clearly falling apart at the moment. I wanted to ask her what she meant, but I didn't get the chance.

"Emily! What is going on? Your sister left the house crying. Was positively beside herself. Refused to speak to me or your father. What is the meaning of all of this? YOu shouldnt fight with each other like this. You know you only get one sister."

I burst out laughing, just a single mirth-filled sound, but it was enough to startle my mother. And, apparently, Naomi, who I felt jump next to me. My mother used to say that exact thing all the time. Every time Katie and I would fight. My father said it as well, every time I would get angry at my mother. It almost always worked. Or at least it made me realize that it was true. It felt so familiar; made me nostalgic. The surge of laughter made my head clearer for a second.

"Don't worry mum, just a little fight. I actually have to leave anyway." I hopped up quickly and before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed Naomi's hand and helped her up, pulling her out of the room. "We're going to go talk to her right now actually. You know...uh, smooth things over." As I walked past her, pulling a confused looking Naomi with me, I gave her a peck on the cheek, leaving her stunned. It was the most affection I had showed my mother in a while

My father also tried to question me on the way out of the house, but I just gave him a quick hug and sped on. I had to get out. I was feeling too many things at the same time and I needed to process. I was half way down the street when I remembered...or was reminded...

"Hold on!" I was slowed down for a moment as Naomi stopped walking, but did not take her hand away. "Where are we going?"

"Oh, right...I...I don't know..."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure..."

Well...its not that I mind, you know, being dragged down the street by someone I just met, who might possibly be a little emotionally unstable at the moment - "

"Hey!"

"But...I would just like to know where I'm being dragged."

I stared at her before the next words popped out without a single thought.

"Wanna get a drink?"


	4. Chapter 4

The liquid burned my throat as I suppressed a cough. I felt it settle coldly in my stomach. I opened my eyes to see a disgusted look on Naomi's face that I'm sure mirrored my own.

"Tequila seemed like a much better idea before." She smirked.

I grinned, but didn't respond. We sat silently, adjusting to the liquor in our stomachs and the random and sudden situation we had found ourselves in.

As I waited for the warmth to spread through my limbs, I chanced a glance up at Naomi, only to find her looking back at me. Her cheeks reddened, but she only looked away for a second, finding my eyes again.

"I-I'm sorry." I grinned mildly at her, but looked down. I had just dragged her across town, without a word, and she was probably a little miffed.

"For what?" She chuckled lightly, surprising me into looking back. "I'm out with a friend, having a drink. What do you have to be sorry for?" I smiled for a moment at the fact that she called me a friend.

"Well...I mean...that, back there...that was probably not...I don't know..." I stopped talking immediately as I felt warm finger tips on the skin of my arm.

"Emily, I told you before, its really okay." She paused and seemed to think through her next words. "I've been there, so I know there isn't much I could do or say to make you feel better right now...but...if you want to talk or anything, I'm here. If not...we can talk about something else. Or," I could see her in my periphery trying to catch my eye, "we could just sit here in silence." I could hear the laughter in her voice, and I wanted so badly to be annoyed, but the smile appeared on my face without my permission.

Her fingers left my arm, but the warmth lingered there.

"What are you studying...in school? Or did my dad say you're working at school?" I was stammering a bit, but I wasn't exactly dying to talk about myself at the moment. She bypassed the suddenness of subject change, thankfully.

"Well, I'm in graduate school, actually. But, I mean, its work too. I'm a teaching assistant. I'm working towards a PhD in Developmental Psychology."

"Really? What do you want to do?"

"Well, its mostly so people have to call me "Doctor" Campbell." She put a regal look on her face, and I laughed at the sheer adorableness. Her face broke into a wide smile and I knew, seeing it, that it was reflected on my own. I tried to stop smiling around her, but I couldn't. "I honestly don't know exactly where I want to take it yet. I don't think that is necessarily an attitude alot of people in this field, at this level, approve of. But I'm just enjoying learning at the moment." She ended with a shrug.

"I understand. If I could, I would just go to school all the time. Or...maybe not even school...just learn about things. Professionally. Just read books for days. Learn about other cultures by traveling; exploring them. Soak up museums. Get to know all kinds of people. Learn to make things. How things work. Anything. Kind of...living to learn, I guess." I smiled at the thought.

"You should do that more often." Naomi's voice brought me back from my reverie. I looked up to see a soft grin on her face, her eyes sort of...shining at me.

"Do what?"

"Smile like that. It suits you."

I felt my face grow hot but, once again, I could not banish my smile.

I cleared my throat. "A...another drink?"

* * *

><p>We were each on our third drink and I could not believe that an hour ago I was crying on the floor of my parents' house and now, here I was, laughing hysterically with this beautiful creature who kept brushing her fingers across the back of my arm. My stomach fluttered every time and it all felt so strange. Because it didn't feel strange at all. But it felt a little unreal. Like maybe none of it was happening to me. Or, maybe, at any moment, Naomi would stop saying things to make me laugh; that she would stop looking right at me with those eyes of hers; that she would stop finding small innocent ways to touch me; that it would all stop feeling so easy. So natural. Like we'd done it a million times. But it didn't. It stayed like that. And we just kept talking. And I felt like I was falling and floating at the same time.<p>

At the end of three hours, I had told Naomi more about myself than I had told anyone in the past two years. In some ways, ever. Because I told her things in a different way. I couldn't help it. I had to. I wouldn't just answer questions, but I would tell her how I felt about things. Not just how I liked music and what kinds, but how music could be like medicine. About how it was to listen to it drive with my windows down and everything would disappear. Not just how I liked to read but how I loved stories; about people and love and pain and life. Not just that my brother was a little perv, but how I worried about him and hoped so badly that he would be okay with the move. That he would grow into a good man. I couldn't stop myself from sharing details. We hadn't even covered more than likes, dislikes, hobbies and families, and I felt like she was getting to know too much of me. But I had learned about her, as well. And it was addictive. I was picking up all these little tid-bits and I loved it. I couldn't get enough. About how she almost studied politics, but she couldn't take the hypocrisy of it all. How her mom was a crazy hippy that she pretended to be annoyed with, but you could tell she adored her. That she has one tattoo (which she wouldn't divulge the location of). And that she could make my pulse go crazy with her eyes. She was doing it just then. Looking at me. Searching.

We were drunk. Not falling-over-wasted, but I could tell that both of our inhibitions were lowered. We had both started talking more freely. I was getting to the dangerous place where I would start to be more honest than I liked to be. More open.

We had moved our bar stools closer to each other than they had been at the beginning of the night. Naomi was sitting, facing me with one foot against the beam at the base of the bar and the other against her own stool. She was moving her leg back and forth slowly; I assumed it was just a nervous habit. But her knee would constantly almost touch my own leg, or she would stop moving it for moments and I could feel the heat emanating from her skin. It stopped again, as she continued looking at me, making me slightly nervous.

"What?."

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

The simple honesty in Naomi's eyes made me swoon a little. But my mind was racing and the alcohol had lowered my verbal filter slightly.

"Me too...but honestly, I'm kind of surprised..." I glanced at her, seeing the question in her face. "I mean, I can wallow in things with the best of them...but...here I am. I'm just...well, impressed really." She still looked confused, but there was a smile on her face. Like she could tell I was saying something good, but she didn't really understand what it was.

"I mean...I don't know how you...I just" I sighed, giving up. "I guess I'm trying to say thank you, really. I mean for still being so nice to me, even though I'm clearly a little...well, you were there. I'm kind of fucked up I guess." I chuckled lightly, without much humor.

"Hey..." I froze completely as I felt Naomi reach out and touch my elbow, except this time she gripped it a little, trying to get me to look at her. How could I not?

As I found her eyes, she gave me a gentle smile. "You aren't fucked up, Ems." She leaned a little closer, as if she were willing me to believe her. "People make mistakes. They fuck up. Doesn't mean you are any more of a fuck up than anyone else on this planet."

My heart warmed slightly, but I had to make her see. "All that stuff that Katie said was true. I was selfish and I just wanted to feel something. What kind of person does that make me?"

"A normal one. Emily, look. I know we just met, but I just don't think you are seeing yourself clearly right now."

"What? And you are? No offense Naomi, but, like you said, I met you a few hours ago. You don't even really know me." I looked defiantly into her eyes, expecting her to look angry or hurt, but I didn't. I saw something else, but I couldn't place it.

My breath hitched as she moved her face a little closer. She spoke quietly, but her voice had more intensity in it. It contained so much. A little pain. Some hope. So much...fire. It matched her eyes. My spine tingled.

"Maybe I don't know you. But I know about some things. I know that you can never take back the things that you have done. They shape you and change you into who you are. But they are over, and you are here. Breathing. Living. Blood is still pumping through your veins and you still have the ability to make decisions. Better decisions. Or worse decisions. But they are yours to make. Be whoever it is that you want to be Emily. But the longer you feel sorry for yourself, and don't forgive yourself, the harder it will be. You'll feel less and less and things will fade." She had gotten closer as she spoke. She was leaning slightly forward, still gripping my arm. "Don't put your own fire out, Ems." In other circumstances, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed at her. Or yelled. Or something. She was being so intense. _Is this really happening? Do people do this? _She was so close. And I could hear the earnestness in her voice. It felt like she believed everything she was saying. "It would be a shame to lose that." She was almost whispering now. Somehow she had gotten so close to me. Her hand was still on my elbow, and I swear our stools had moved of their own volition, because my leg was pressed against her knee. "You're so...bright."

I couldn't look away from her. Why was she looking at me like that? Why wasn't I moving or speaking? _Anything_. I felt her breath lightly on my face, and against the voice in my head screaming at me not to, I glanced down at her lips. As I looked back at her eyes as quickly as I could, my heart skipped a beat when I saw her glancing at my mouth. I nervously licked my lips and watched as her eyes darkened slightly. Our eyes met again and it was like my whole body had suddenly been set on fire. I was buzzing everywhere. I swear I could hear Naomi's heart...or was it my own? I felt her breath become ragged. I felt my hand, which had been floating awkwardly in the air for so long from Naomi holding my elbow, finally find a place to rest against Naomi's thigh. I felt everything. But I could not look anywhere but blue eyes and soft pink lips. I felt like, within one second, I had replayed what I wanted to do a thousand times in my mind. To lean forward. To taste those lips. I felt like everything would be fine if I could just...

"Another round ladies?"

I jumped at the intrusion, having completely forgotten about the other people in the bar, and my mind came back to me. I cleared my throat, leaning away from Naomi slightly, and answered the guy behind the bar, trying not to be furious with him. "No...no thanks." I glanced at the clock behind. "Shit. Um...I've gotta go. I have to be at work early." I handed the bartender a handful of money, mindlessly, and I looked at Naomi again. She looked a little like I felt. As if she had just been teleported to some alternate universe and back, and was still adjusting, trying to tell if that really just happened. Her eyes were wide and she looked as if she was in deep thought. "Um...Naomi?"

"What...oh, yeah. Of course. Um..."

We both stood there for a second, awkwardly. When our eyes finally met, Naomi grinned and released a nervous chuckle. I did the same and slowly some of the tension dissipated...but never fully.

"I guess...I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Um...yeah...yes you will." She was adorable when she was nervous.

"Bye Naomi."

"Bye Emily." She smiled at me, brightly, and my chest expanded as I smiled back and nervously walked away as fast as my legs would take me.

I tried to think as I walked but the only thing that would enter my mind was a string of WHAT-THE-FUCK?!s blurred by images of smiling blue eyes and lips.

I grumbled to myself, "Stupid fucking bartender..."


	5. Chapter 5

**So, I really appreciate all the reviews. I'm really bad at responding to them, but believe me, I love them. This is a little taste of Naomi's point of view. And maybe a little background. Let me know what you think.**

**Skins is not mine.**

I flipped the pillow, hoping the coolness from the other side would calm me into sleeping. I had woken three hours before I needed to be up. Even if I were to go for a run, I would still have hours to kill. And I needed sleep. I was exhausted after moving all day and I would have to be back to work and studying at the beginning of next week. I needed rest. But I couldn't stop thinking. It was one of those times when my mind wouldn't get a hold of itself. It refused to calm down. To rest. It was determined, instead, to replay everything. And to analyze it until it made no sense.

I couldn't get over it. Over what I did, only a few hours ago. I made a fool of myself, acted like a crazy person, because of those fucking brown eyes; brown eyes of that ridiculously gorgeous girl that I just met. Not even 24 hours ago.

When I saw her on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably, it made my heart ache. Part of it was that I had been that girl. Broken on the floor. Breaking herself over and over again. Mistaking stupid decisions for risks worth taking. Lost. But part of it was just...her.

I had watched her all day, moving. It was something about her. How, when she met me, she didn't say anything, but she still seemed so warm. So genuine. It was her eyes. I'm positive Emily had no idea how much her eyes showed what she was thinking. I'd never seen eyes like that. And when I was helping her with her toe, and she looked at me, it was like I could see so much activity. But she was so still. Her eyes were always alert, taking things in, or looking at nothing, but clearly working things out. Her brain seemed to be always whirring. And for a second she was looking at me with this look. Like she was walking inside of me, just for a moment, trying to look around, see what I was thinking, what I was feeling. And I just felt like it could be hers if she wanted it. I felt, for a moment, like I would tell her anything about me. Like I wanted to.

When she dragged me out of the house, I didn't even think about resisting.

And then I was sitting there, intoxicated. Not because of the tequila, but because of her. And within a few seconds, I thought back to all of the boys I had dated and kissed, and how I felt before anything happened with them. The excitement. The anticipation. Looking at their lips. Not knowing what would happen. And it hit me like a brick smashing into my stomach.

It had never felt like this. Not even close.

No ones lips had ever looked more inviting. None of the anticipation had ever made me so...on edge. On the edge of what, I don't know. It felt right.

_Calm down._

But it did. It felt easy and natural. And there was nothing that I didn't want to know about her. And there was no desire to hold back.

_Get a fucking grip._

I have research I'm supposed to be doing. I have papers to grade. I am working towards something, finally. I have my shit together. And now I feel like I'm losing it.

_Naomi, you are being a bit dramatic. Breathe. You need friends, and Emily is a perfect candidate. First off, you can actually stand her for more than half an hour at a time. Already, she's ahead of the pack._

_God, I'm a bitch._

I wasn't giving myself credit. I had come a long way from who I used to be. I was friendly to people now. I smiled regularly, for godsake. I could be downright pleasant. It was a complete 180 from who I had been when I was a moody cow of an adolescent. But it didn't mean that I always enjoyed people. I just disengaged rather than being a bitch. It worked well, for my purposes. I had goals and things to do. People were distractions and rarely worth the effort.

But Emily. Emily was something else. I knew there was attraction there. Luckily, the shock of her being a girl wore of rather quickly (suppose I had my hippie of a mother to thank for that). But I didn't want to deal with it right now. I just wanted to...be near her. Hang out. Figure her out. Keep my life as uncomplicated as possible.

And I could have friends now. I knew how to be a friend. I may only have two, but, all things considered, I was lucky in that respect.

Friends. We would be friends.

I had made up my mind and my resolve lulled me to sleep at last.

* * *

><p>I strolled up to the house, nervous as hell about seeing Emily. Nervous about maintaining my composure. As the house came into view, I took deep breaths to calm myself, but was distracted when I saw a figure standing in the driveway, arms crossed in front of her, staring. My heart jumped for a second when I took in her small stature, but I realized immediately that it was not Emily, but Katie. I had stopped at a safe distance, not wanting to scare her, as she seemed lost in thought. Her darker red hair was pulled back and her eyes seemed to be looking through the house, with intensity. I had been around Katie all day yesterday and hadn't really paid her much attention, aside from the incident. How could I when her sister was baffling my every sense and her father was overwhelming me with friendliness and making me laugh against my will? I heard her talk quite a bit about nothing much, and shoot me dirty looks all day.<p>

Now that I watched her, out here alone, quiet, and lost in her own head, I could see something else.

Suddenly, instead of walking towards the door, she walked towards the side of the house, into what looked like a giant shrubbery. After some rustling, she completely disappeared. Before I knew what I was doing, I walked toward the bush, and followed Katie inside. A branch scraped my arm and I was prepared to fight through more of the same, but as soon as I entered, I walked into an open space. It was surrounded by green, and was only large enough for maybe two or three people, but it was like a little bubble inside the bushes.

"Um...what the actual fuck?"

I looked up at a baffled looking Katie.

"Uh...hey."

Katie seemed too stunned for a moment, so I took advantage and kept talking. "I just saw you come in here...and...I was just...you know...exploring the house...just looking around..."

Katie scoffed, but seemed to be to tired to do much else except give me one of those dirty looks I'd come to expect.

"Could you, like, fuck off? I kind of wanted to, you know...be alone." She had pulled out a cigarette and was lighting it before she even finished speaking.

I should have left. But I didn't. I don't know why.

"Can I bum one?" Without a word, Katie shrugged and handed me a cigarette. We sat there smoking for a minute. It was surprisingly quite. The only noise I could hear was light wind rustling through the trees.

"We used to spend hours in here when we were little, me and Ems. We found random shit to make furniture out of and we would pretend we were grown ups and we lived together. No one else came here. Just us."

It surprised me when she spoke. It didn't feel like she was talking to me. Just thinking out loud.

"That sounds nice."

She smiled for just a second, before seeming to remember my presence. "Yeah, well things change." She scowled at me and went on ignoring me.

I couldn't stop myself from speaking. "I heard what happened yesterday...I mean, I saw...I guess..." Shit why was a talking? This was none of my business.

Katie echoed my thoughts. "Look, bitch. You may be getting our house, but stay the fuck out of our family. It's none of your business." I expected her to storm out, but she didn't, so I just watched her quietly while continuing to smoke. The nicotine was calming. I hadn't tasted it in so long.

It was strange to see Katie up close after spending time with Emily. They looked so similar in some ways but they operated so differently. Emily reminded me of Effy. It was like a giant body of water. Like a sea or the ocean; it could seem so calm sometimes, but there was so much going on underneath. So much life, and beauty, and darkness and wonder.

But Katie...well, to be honest, Katie reminded me a little of myself. Katie was loud. When she talked; the way she dressed; the way she walked. I was like that sometimes. I used to wear ridiculous things; loud floral prints and crazy designs on my pants. I used to do outrageous things to get attention when I was younger. I'm still quite outspoken to the point of being obnoxious when I'm talking on certain subjects. And I sat there, looking at Katie, looking at how sad her eyes were, and I thought that maybe she did those things for the same reason I did. So she got to pick what everyone saw in her. They could see her boldness; her fierceness; her strength; the fact that she was Katie fucking Fitch. So they wouldn't see her weaknesses; like how much she needed her sister; or how she couldn't have kids (Emily had told me). And whatever else went on the mind of Katie Fitch.

"I didn't have any siblings when I was little. I just read books and was pretty much a loser." Despite herself, Katie chuckled at this.

"I could see that."

"Oi. Bitch." I glared at her, but let the tiniest smirk reach my face. "Anyway, when I was twelve, I met my friend Effy. And then she was just...always around. She was quiet, but people were always kind of...scared of her." I smiled at the memory. "Anyway, she sort of kept people from being mean to me, until I was old enough to become a giant bitch to them on my own. She was always there, even when I was a cunt to her. I owed her a lot actually. Then, one day, when we were seventeen, she went to my house when I was at school, and got into this lock box that I kept in my room. I had been saving money since I was fifteen, and I was saving it for something special. I had over a thousand and it was very important to me, which she knew." Katie was looking at me now, curiosity in her eyes.

"She took it all and disappeared for two weeks. I promised I would never speak to her again. I wanted to claw her eyes out; I wanted to scream at her; I wanted to cry. All the time. My best friend in the world completely fucked me over and just left. Didn't even care." I was lost in the memory now. I shook my head and continued.

"She tried to kill herself. That's how Cook found her. She had used the money to bail him, Cook I mean, our friend, out of jail. Her boyfriend had died and she was in a terrible place. And I...I hated myself for hating her, when she was just...in pain. Its only a reason for what she did, not an excuse. Reasons are almost never excuses. I know that. But there was so much going on inside her that I didn't understand, and it was so much easier to be angry at her...and we almost didnt get to work it out." My speech just tapered off for a moment. I looked up to see Katie staring at the ground, brow furrowed in thought. Part of me was mortified that I had talked so much, but I couldn't take it back now, so I kept going.

"Look, I really like you Fitches." Katie glanced at me when I spoke this time. "You're a bit much, you know... but you seem to be really close. Closer than you think you are. And, I don't know...I just..." I sighed.

I didn't finish my thought. We just sat there finishing our cigarettes. Katie suddenly stood up and looked at me appraisingly. "Look, Naomi. I don't like you much and you're kind of a nosy bitch. But...thanks...I guess."

I looked at her, dumbfounded. Her words made it sound like she hated me, but her face was much more gentle toward me than it had been before.

"For what?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Being a nosy bitch I suppose." And with that she walked toward the opening we entered from. She turned back for a moment. "Did you ever get your money back?"

"Every cent and then some."

"Hmm." Katie paused, taking that it. "Your friend sounds bat-shit crazy."

I laughed out loud. " you have no idea Katie." She smirked and walked through the opening.


	6. Chapter 6

**Well, hello. So sorry I fell off the face of the earth for a while, but its been a long year. Finally got around to this chapter. Don't know how I feel about it but I thought I should post something...so here it is.**

**I don't own skins.**

"Thanks love. I think that's everything in here." Rob Fitch smiled gratefully at me as I handed him the last box of DVDs that I had packed. The Fitches had a surprising amount of films and it had taken me almost an hour to pack them all up. "I think Emily is still working upstairs. I know she could probably use some help. We're almost done down here."

"Oh, okay…sure." I smiled and pretended to be cool, but suddenly I became very nervous. I had successfully avoided Emily for most of the day. It wasn't particularly difficult, seeing as the twins had an unspoken agreement that, when one was downstairs, the other one was upstairs, and vice versa. I just stayed on the same floor as Katie, who didn't seem to hate me quite as much after our chat, and Emily was always elsewhere. I only really interacted with her once, when she arrived. She gave me a fleeting, but genuine smile, said hello, and then pretty much disappeared. I was relieved and disappointed and the combination left my stomach slightly uneasy all day.

But now I was going up the stairs. _Be cool. Its okay. She is just a friend. There is no reason to be nervous._

As I reached the top of the stairs, I heard music coming from the room at the end of the hall. And I could smell the same lingering aroma that was present yesterday when Emily injured her foot. I smiled and shook my head. I knew she thought she was being stealthy, sneaking a smoke in the bathroom, but I had extensive experience with this sort of thing throughout most of my adolescence and could smell good weed from a mile away.

As I approached the doorway, I spotted Emily, sifting through one of the drawers on her desk, singing along to a song I had never heard, really getting into it. I could only see her profile, but the smile was evident as she sang along, flawlessly, to a song she obviously knew by heart, dancing a little with her shoulders. I couldn't help but watch for a moment. She was so cool. It was the sort of cool that most people cannot achieve. It was effortless. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but she was the type that could look good in anything. Not just because of how gorgeous she was, but because she didn't really care what she looked like. She was so comfortable in her skin that whatever she wore seemed to work. Her hair was in a ponytail and a few loose strands fell in her face.

I cleared my throat. "Hey…"

She looked up, but didn't seem embarrassed at being caught jamming out to the music. She did seem a little surprised to see me standing in her doorway.

"Hey."

She met my eyes for a fleeting moment, and gave me a smile, before, looking down again to the drawer.

"Your, uh, your dad said I should help you up here. Packed up pretty much everything in the sitting room." I rocked nervously back on my heels, waiting for her to direct me. I couldn't stop playing with the hem of my shirt, but I refused to look at the ground. _You are not going to be a stuttering little girls for christsake. You are Naomi Cambell!_ I kept saying it in my head, but I couldn't quite feel it. She looked at me again, smirked her adorable smirk, and pointed at the wall that was the obvious midpoint between the two sides of the room.

"You can start on the picture wall I guess."

_How is she being so cool? _She's probably high._ I would still be shitting myself. Look at her! _

And I did. Again. That smirk was still in place. It was like she knew something that I didn't, but it wasn't the sort of smirk that was obnoxious. It just made me a little crazy. Ok, it was driving me insane. And her eyes were focused on the task at hand. Until they weren't, and BAM. She was looking at me again. With her kind, warm, brown eyes.

"Um…here." She picked a box up and walked towards me, kind enough to not point out that I was blatently staring, and handed it to me. She gave me another grin and, once again, went back to work, still nodding along to the song. Completely unfazed.

I slowly walked toward the wall, shaking myself out of the trance I seemed to be in. Instead I focused on the "picture wall." It was just that; it was a large portion of the wall that was covered in pictures. Most of them contained one or both of the twins. They were all from different times in their lives and it was so intriguing I almost forgot the butterflies for a moment. I slowly began to take them down, so as not to seem like I was enthralled, but every picture I pulled down was examined, some longer than others.

There was one with little Emily and Katie, cheesy smiles plastered on their faces, posing, as children do, for the camera. They were sitting outside with what looked like popsicles covering their faces. I couldn't help but smile. I examined them closely, finding it fascinating to see a glimpse into her life. I mean, THEIR lives…

_who are you kidding._

The majority of the photographs were of them as teenagers, usually with other kids their age. One showed Emily, her arms wrapped around a taller girl with darker hair, smiling contently . It seemed more than friendly and I may have stared at it for longer than necessary before I thought I saw Emily watching me from the corner of my eye. I glanced at her, but she was wrapped up in her task again.

It struck me again; how nonchalant she was being. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin because of it, but I didn't know why. I did know that as long as a didn't look into her eyes for too long, I would be okay. BE cool. Be casual. You can do this.

_Right?_

_Get a grip Naomi. _

* * *

><p><strong>Emily's POV<strong>

I finally knew who I was. I was at a loss about what to do with my life and I kept myself at a distance from everyone, but I wasn't at the mercy of anyone. No one made me who I was but me.

But there she was. She was looking at pictures on the wall, as she pulled them down and placed them in a box. I watched, out of the corner of my eye, fascinated by how enthralled she seemed to be in each picture. I read into every look; every smile. _She seems to light up when she sees one of me as a kid._ You are delusional._ I think she glared at that picture of me and Mandy._ Look at how desperate you sound._ I'm not even talking._ I know. You are insane.

Clearly I'm losing it.

"So...how are you?"

I looked at her and I could feel my face flush. We hadn't really spoken much since I had shown up. I couldn't think of anything to say. so I just smiled like an idiot and then avoided her all day. But I was doing so well at playing it cool. I always had a great poker face, especially after a spliff. _ Just let me play it cool!_

She hadn't talked to me much all day, and it was making it easier to pretend everything was normal. But her voice was breaking my façade down. It was rather annoying actually.

"Look Ems," She walked towards me, and suddenly, I was struck with how little space there was in this room. This room that I shared with Katie Fitch, a tornado of a human being, was now, in the presence of Naomi Campbell, smaller than it had ever been. She was easily a few arm-lengths away from me, but I could feel her as she spoke.

"I don't have a clue why I'm saying this to you, but I really like you. And last night, I think I was going to kiss you, and that is not something that is normal for me. But you..." I watched as the space between her eyebrows scrunched slightly, and she thought. She looked me straight in the eye. "You have thrown me of balance. I don't know what I'm doing some times, when I'm around you."

I just looked at her, and she had somehow made her way to within a few inches of me.

"I wasn't that drunk." She said it quietly, but she was so close now that it reverberated in my ears.

Her eyes were so blue. And she was searching for something as she looked at me. She was really trying to see me. It felt odd. I felt exposed; naked. But she seemed to be finding something, or enjoying the search, because I could feel those eyes on me, as they traced my face, trying to read it. I could feel my breathing getting heavier. Normally I would have said something; made a joke, or asked a question, but I couldn't. and then she looked at my lips.

I snapped. Before I knew what had happened, my lips had found hers. Everything blurred. She seemed shocked for a moment. She didn't move, but I couldn't stop. Her lips were so soft; it felt right. And then she kissed me back.

Something melted. It felt like warm liquid dripping from the center of my brain, down my spine, through my heart, and it all exploded in my stomach. I ran my tongue across her bottom lip and she responded by darting her own forward.

There is no comparable feeling. It was almost like being high with Freddy, when we were at university, listening to music, when the sound of a song really hit you, and you were just stoned enough to physically feel it and to be shifted inside by it. But it was better.

Or like that second when you walk outside from a cold, air-conditioned building during the summer, and the sun instantly seeps into your skin, warming your bones and thawing your fingers. But it was better.

Or like quenching a painful thirst with really cold water. Or finding something extremely valuable that you thought you had definitely lost.

But none of it compared. And I couldn't stop. It was like I needed it.

_But I cant need this. I cant need her._

_I cant need anyone._

_I don't want to lose me. That's who I need. If I don't have that, I'll lose it all_.

And I had to stop. I couldn't do it. It felt like my stomach and my heart were firing upon each other and like...like I wasn't in control anymore. I pulled back, gliding my feet back slowly, until we were standing an arms length away from each other. I couldn't think. I was completely dumbfounded by what I was feeling. It wasn't delirious like I always thought it would be. It wasn't the haze of lust (not entirely, anyway). It was absolute terror. It was the last thing I expected.

"Um...I'm sorry. I need...I'll...I'll be right back." She seemed stunned, which I was grateful for, because and coherent emotion in those eyes and I would have stayed put. But I ran to the door, through it, and darted into the bathroom.

_What the actual fuck._

I was legitimately terrified. But I could not figure out why. _Naomi is absolutely perfect. Fucking phenomenal. This is what you have always wanted. To feel like this._

And it was true, I had. I had always been the romantic. When Katie was out shagging nameless guys, I dreamt of having someone to hold and love and have all those crazy, ridiculous feelings for. I had imagined how it felt a million times in my head. It would have never prepared me for this.

I was so used to a certain state of my world. The conditions had always, always, always been that I was alone; felt things alone; thought through things alone; basically, always experienced the outside world as a single individual, bonding with some, affected by some, but never letting anyone in like that; never being truly and completely given over to someone, in the moment...it was odd, and shocking, and terrifying...and...I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I had worked so hard to be happy without anyone. People didn't get me. They liked me well enough, and they would tell me all sorts of things about themselves. And I loved that people felt comfortable with me in that way; that I could connect with people like that. But I never offered more than necessary about myself. I kept me to me. It was just second nature. I never really thought about it. Its not as if I never shared anything, but giving myself over like that…it was a lot.

_What is wrong with me? This is not normal. This is not sane._

But it was completely new. I had never felt so in tune with someone; so very comfortable and at ease. I was so drawn to Naomi that I didn't think I could fight being tempted into something...and it really seemed that Naomi was on the same page.

I smiled to myself for a moment, before shaking my head to clear my mind._ No! That's NOT the point._

What was the point?

_The point is...you don't know her. And you are you. You get hooked and it's never what you think it is and you end up crying. And alone._

But it seemed so different this time. Naomi seemed to be just as enthralled. But I had been hooked before. Admittedly, it had never felt quite like this…but everyone is different right?

_Shit_.

*knock*knock*knock*

"Uh...Emily? Are you okay?"

_Shit shit_ shit.

**Sorry about the semi-cliffhanger...I promise there will be more.**


End file.
